Forensic Jokes & Legal Jokes

The proper operation of the criminal justice system is a serious matter. But that’s not to say that humour never intrudes.

A man was on trial at a magistrate’s court accused of putting army washers into his gas meter. A forensic scientist had matched up washers inside the meter to washers found in the kitchen of the man’s house. The man decided to plead guilty. The magistrate told him that what he did was serious. ‘What would you do if they paid you your benefits in army washers?’ he said to the man. ‘I’d put them in the gas meter’ replied the man.

Barrister: You had accelerated away from the junction. What gear were you in when you drove your car into the stationary vehicle?
Witness: Nike Trackies and an Adidas top

Barrister: What were the first words that your husband uttered to you that morning?
Witness: Where am I Doreen?
Barrister: So why did you hit him?
Witness: Because my name is Deborah

Barrister: All your responses must be oral, do you understand?
Witness: Yes
Barrister: What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral

Barrister to witness: When you came out of the pub you were as drunk as a judge, weren’t you?
Judge to barrister: Mr Fotheringham, you ought to be aware that the phrase is ‘as drunk as a lord’
Barrister: Yes my lord

Barrister: So after the accused came out of the football ground he was behaving in a disorderly manner was he?
Police officer: Yes
Barrister: What did you say to him?
Police officer: I said ‘I am arresting you’
Barrister: What did he reply?
Police officer: His language was so bad that I do not wish to repeat it. I have written down the words and given the note to the clerk of the court
Barrister: Very well. Did he say anything after this?
Police officer: He shouted out ‘Ipswich for the cup’
Barrister: What did you reply?
Police officer: I have written down the words and given the note to the clerk of the court
(BBC The Al Read Show)

Barrister: What is your date of birth?
Witness: October the fifteenth.
Barrister: What year?
Witness: Every year

Barrister: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people

Judge: You have been brought here for drinking, do you understand?
Accused: Yes, when do we start?

Accused: As God is my witness, I am not guilty
Judge: He’s not, I am, you are

Police Officer: You have been brought to this police station because you are suspected of drink driving. You know the procedure now – blood or urine?
Arrested man: No thanks, just a cup of tea please
(BBC The Likely Lads)

Barrister: Were you stabbed in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was stabbed in the leg

Defendant: I don’t recognize this court!
Judge: Why?
Defendant: Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here

Famous Cross-Examination Questions:

“Now, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
“Were you alone, or by yourself?”
“Were you present when your picture was taken?”
“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?”
“Did he kill you?”
“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
“How many times have you committed suicide?”

All our events combine great science with fun and humour. Contact us today for a great CSI Academy Teambuilding Event or a CSI Whodunit Schools Event.